Unwinding

I am beginning to see a new theme in my day to day. This is the theme of going backward, of taking apart the things I have wound around myself to see what is underneath. To feel what it's like to be me and just be.

For many years, I have stuffed my days full. I have more often than not overextended myself, hating to miss out on any opportunity to be involved. Bands, plays, parties, performances, eves of debauchery, bike rides, rock shows, outdoor adventure, friends friends and more friends! There is always something wonderful to be doing! And then there's work work work to fund the fun!

Now, I'm in a new place where I know very few people, and so instead of these things being placed at my feet daily, they are things that must be searched for. I spent some time looking for them, somewhat desperately, and came up with little that didn't involve a major drive or intense active planning, something I detest.

Then, the other day, I spent two hours unraveling old knitting projects that I don't like any more and rolling the yarn back onto the ball. And baking. And being very still and quiet. And I think that my new life is really an extended vacation. It has taken me 5 months to realise that I actually needed to unwind. I knew that I needed change, but I couldn't imagine what that would look like.

I have become clean. I clean up after myself. I have become neat and tidy. My sewing projects are in order. I am practicing my instruments with more diligence. The last time I was this successful at life was my first year of college, I was miserable. This feels different. I actually want to live my life more deliberately, not losing flexibility, but learning to not always say yes.

On the radio the other day I heard a special about vacations, and that while some people try their best to squeeze as much vaca out of their employers as possible, there is a large chunk of others who don't ever use their vacation time. And the experts say that you need to take at least two weeks off at a time, because it takes one week for you to really relax. This is even more true when you are trying to change the life habit of constantly doing something. I know lots of people who suffer from this one (myself included), and they can't stop, because they'll get sick, physically or mentally, they don't know what to do with themselves and can't just be, not doing anything. It makes you feel guilty, you can't stop thinking of all the things that are being neglected by your inactivity.

I don't think that one way is better than the other, they both have aspects of beautiful living. But each must be given it's own time, and not clung to with too much fervour, perhaps.